Wallingford Secedes!

In a stunning move, the heretofore tranquil neighborhood of Wallingford seceded from Seattle today.

At approximately 5:00 am, in a careful synchronized set of actions, Wallingford separatists detonated the 45th St and 50th St bridges that span I-5 and connect Wallingford to the University District on the East. Simultaneously, a group of frogmen commandeered a fleet of Greenlake paddle boats, expanding the northern border of Wallingford to the southern banks of Greenlake and establishing a northern Wallingford naval fleet. To the west, Wallingford irregulars moved as far as the Aurora Highway into territory previously claimed by Fremont, and early reports indicate that armed guards have been posted at the underpasses at 40th, 45th, 50th and 63rd streets.

The breadth and complexity of the maneuvers suggest the plan was in the works for some time, but city officials were clearly by surprise.

“This is an action of a few radicals and is not representative of the will of the people of Wallingford,” declared Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels. “We will seek to make contact with law abiding members of the Wallingford community to liberate and repatriate them to greater Seattle as soon as possible.”

“Really? They did what?” he added.

In a joint statement, Wallingford Community Council President Mary Heim, Wallingford Chamber Council President Kara Ceriello and Wallingford Neighborhood Office President Janet Stillman, a group known informally as the Three Queens, or the Triumgynate, declared the purpose and goals of the move:

Wallingford has too long suffered under the harsh and parasitic hold of the Nickels Regime and his rubber-stamp puppets, the City Council. Our people are taxed for baseball and football stadiums we don’t attend, light rail that does not serve us and police officers that do not respond to our calls.

It is well known that the University District has been feeding its heroin habit with our car stereos, that Ballard has been using our idyllic Main Street as its thruway from the Interstate and that that Fremont has been picking flowers from our lawns without permission. These affronts must not be allowed to continue.

Only when Wallingford asserts its independence can we thrive. The city-owned parks at Gasworks, Wallingford and Meridian are herewith annexed and shall be converted to farmland. The docks of Greenlake and Lake Union shall be used for fishing and the materials of Stoneway Hardware and Tweedy and Popp shall be used to build our new Utopia.

Also, we’re closing Babalu.

The city, clearly hoping to avoid a repeat of the militaristic missteps of the WTO, urged citizens to remain indoors until the situation stabilizes or the sun comes out, whichever comes first.